I’m Home?

Over the course of a couple of months the growing concern of the Wuhan-Corona Virus has induced fear among many nations. Borders have been closed, foreigners and citizens have been quarantined. WHO has called a global emergency and announced that we are in the thick of a global pandemic. The panic around this virus has struck a nerve in the hearts of people world wide and has pumped the breaks on the daily lives of many. 

My health has not been affected by the transmission of COVID-19, however, the uproar of the situation has effected me spiritually, physically and emotionally. In a matter of days, Gap A and I were removed from Cambodia and brought back to the United States. We had only been in country for two weeks before being rerouted back home. My teams and I were settling into village life and developing relationships with our hosts and communities. The girls were enjoying the newness of Southeast Asia and I was enjoying the familiarity, as well as, their reactions to things that had once been new to me. We were having conversations about what was fun and what was hard about our new way of living, we were all preparing to live in completely different circumstances than we had been living in before. This was a radical difference for them and they were ready to face it head on with joy and humility. 

The very beginning of Month 7 had been the start of a new chapter for us. It was the beginning to the end of the World Race Gap Year, this was the final stretch before final debrief and then home. Home. A place we had all been missing, reminiscing, pondering and even fearing. We all had our own troubles to wrestle with before heading back to the States, but we were doing it on our down time, putting it off for “another day”, being woken up by it at 2am or saving it for sabbath. We were figuring all of our jazz out at our own pace, because we had time to, or so we thought we did.

Like I said before, I’ve been effected by this whole conundrum physically, spiritually and emotionally. For my sanity, I would like to explain why. 

Physically, I went through three different time changes in two weeks. My sleep schedule is WACK and I really would like to get that jazz regulated soon. Even though sleeping has been difficult, I have been able to set a rhythm of waking up at 5:30 every morning and leaving to go for a walk around 6:15. I walk for about 3 miles every morning and spend that time in prayer. Praise the Lamb, this is something beautiful to celebrate!

Spiritually, my biggest struggle has been my lack of community. Although, I have been lucky enough to have a couple of friends reach out to me and talk about what the Lord is doing in this time of uncertainty, rest and transition. Praise the Lamb for that as well! This has been hard due to the fact that I was just yanked out of like minded community. Unexpectedly returning home to a community that doesn’t really understand what I have walked through over the past year and a half, sucks. (does anybody smell something….bitter?) I’m still working on my attitude about this. For the most part, I am back to square one with what it looks like to get acclimated to a new culture and how to respond in love and grace, in said culture…. this can be very frustrating, especially when you have to be an example of compassion and mercy. Don’t get me wrong, I aspire to be a gracious woman who sees every special human being as precious, BUT HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THIS: 

I AM NOT PERFECT

(this is my face 90% of the time over the past 4 days)

I have YET to reach the “every human is precious” stage of christian womanhood.

(can someone please tell me what level that is? I need to gauge where I am at.)

All jokes aside, I am strugs to func. ok. moving on. 

Emotionally… personally, I hate facing emotional anything. However, I have learned to take my heart to the Lord and to share [some of it] with others, when its appropriate. My heart right now feels like a five pound weight in my chest. I can feel a deep cry coming on soon, I just don’t know when it’s going to show up. It seems like my buttons are constantly being pushed by the people around me. 

 At this rate, I am going to turn into this raccoon:

So much has happened and even with all of the processing tools I’ve been given, nothing feels right. That’s just the honest truth. 

I wrote this blog to be vulnerable and transparent, to humbly ask if you would be willing to send me an email or an message of encouragement, because honestly, I really need it. I also want to ask if you would pray for me, I also really need that, only God can fix this crazy. 

I also wanted to remind y’all, and myself, that things aren’t always as uncertain or scary as they seem. They might be taxing, frustrating or challenging, but that means that there’s an opportunity for growth and dependency on the Father. Let’s not forget to reach out to our communities and ask for help, as well as, be the one to lend a helping hand. Don’t allow the fear of others or of the world to dictate your feelings. God is faithful in His promises to sustain us and protect us. Peace is a promise He keeps. 

Thanks for reading,

Mariss