Today I woke up in a funk. Actually, last night I went to bed in a funk and it carried over to this morning. You know when you can just feel the weight of your attitude? Your face is heavy, your head is clouded with negativity, you heart seems to be sitting in your chest with its arms crossed telling you that it’s not going to move or be penetrated by joy. That was me last night and this morning.
For the past two weeks I’ve been trying to encourage my Racer’s to be high spirited during this Christmas season. For some of them, it’s their first time being away from their family on a major holiday. I get it, but also I don’t. Last year, I wasn‘t phased by the Thanksgiving and Christmas hype. Sure, I missed my family but I didn’t want to be home. I was content being on Isla Tasajera, in El Salvador. I was in a different place. I knew my family would be enjoying themselves and partaking in their usual Christmas traditions; Christmas Eve at Uncle Rollie & Aunt Margaret‘s. Then, morning coffee, breakfast casserole and opening gifts at home. Later, headed to Grandma Ruby’s for more quality time and gifts. Followed by going to Granddad’s for a delicious green chili burrito with the whole Miller/Hammond/Philbrick Family. I knew those things would be taking place, like clock work.
What I didn’t know is that, that would be the last time Christmas was “normal” for our family. I didn’t know that our lives would be changed 18 days later. 18 days later we would be celebrating May 11th, Thanksgiving and Christmas with an ache in our hearts. We would be celebrating without the presence of Mel Mel.
My cousin Melody Passed away while I was on month 4 of my World Race. I was in Vietnam when I received a text message two hours after ministry, from my mom, asking for prayer over my cousin who had been in a terrible accident on her way home from work. I didn’t know that when I had received that message, that my prayers wouldn’t have changed anything. I didn’t know that my heart would be broken so deeply.
The crazy thing about that night is, I didn’t know that it was going to be a turning point for me. The next day I was still in shock, but my team encouraged Me to go out with them and enjoy the day in Hoi An. I laughed with a heavy heart that day, but it was well worth it because the Lord reminded me of the joy and peace that can be felt in the midst of mourning.
Reminiscing on Month 4 of my World Race can be compared to laughing with a broken rib. It hurts but there is still good in it. I’m telling you this because this year looks completely different for me. I’m now squad leading and spending Christmas with some of the most incredible young men and women I have ever met, but my heart is craving home. I’m not necessarily homesick, I guess you can call it what you want, however, to me it’s a form of grieving. I long to be home because Christmas isn’t the same for the people that I love. Their hearts are torn and they’re grieving the loss of their daughter, niece, granddaughter and cousin.
I long to be there to tell them that Christmas and the meaning of it doesn’t change because of what has happened to Mel. Actually, Christmas becomes more meaningful.
The reason we celebrate Christmas is because it was the first day of hope in the world for a long time. Christmas was the day that God knew Melody would need. He knew she would need a savior, He knew she would need to be reminded of who she was and who she belonged to. He knew that on January 11, 2018 she would be reunited with Him in eternity.
If Christmas were only about the dinner’s at Uncle Rollie & Aunt Margaret‘s, Breakfast Casserole, Gifts and then a great meal with the Family, then honestly, I would be hopeless. Honestly, for me, it would freaking suck.
Thank God that’s not what it’s about. Thank God it’s about our Savior being born. Thank God it’s the reason I get to have hope. Thank you God for humbly entering into your world and beginning to work yourself back into your creation. Thank you God for growing into a man who would encounter every ugly inclination of the heart, who would be moved so deeply by the death of His friend Lazarus that He wept. Thank you Jesus for being so in love with the people that you looked in the eye, walked shoulder to shoulder with, touched knees with at the dinner table, that you would be willing to lay your life down so that my cousin and I would be able to reunite with you and each other.
My heart is heavy, but my mind is made up. Jesus is the ONLY reason for this season. I am white knuckle gripping onto the hope that I profess about Jesus Christ, that He who promised reunion and reconciliation, is F A I T H F U L.
I deeply desire to be home to share this hope with my family, because it could truly change their entire existence, for the better.
For those of you who are home, God gave you such a perfect opportunity to share the light of Christ with the people who don’t, yet, know Him. He gave you a day centered on joy, faithfulness, hope and love, to share with the people who are around you. Take advantage of the opportunity that you have today. It’s not over yet. Someone’s eternity could be changed because you chose to remember why you get to celebrate today in the first place.
Keep The Miller’s and I in your prayers. I know we need them. I know we need Him.
Merry Christmas,
Mariss
