S H A M E L E S S

Y’all’ve heard of the song Shameless by Garth Brooks, right? Well, if you have, I want you to look at the title of this blog and throw one hand in the air, tilt your head back and put your other hand to your mouth as if you were holding a microphone and shout, “S H A M E L E S S” as if you were Garth or Trisha! 

Okayyy, okay, relax, save your superstar singing for the shower.

As you may or may not know, I am approaching the end of the World Race. Actually, it’s more of sprinting at this point because I will literally land in The States ten days from now. (I’m not screaming, you’re screaming!!!!!!!!) Whenever “End of Race” season approaches, there are a plethora of blogs being written and posts being posted, all about what we’ve learned and wisdom we want to pass on to future Racer’s. 

This blog is kind of like that, I guess? It’s probably my most shame filled blog that is being shamelessly written to close my blogs for this chapter of 11n11, but do not fret, friends, because I am going to do my best to be a better blogger while I squad lead. No promises, but I will try!

Any who, yeah, so…. ugly, embarrassing, exposure. Lets get this money. **wipes sweat off of forehead**

I entered onto the mission field believing that I was truly set free from some shame that I had been living with for two years prior to launch. The truth is, that shame was deeply rooted in my heart and not completely dug up. Although the mission field has been liberating in so many ways, I have to say that, Jesus has been my true saving grace throughout this whole journey. Here’s a little bit of my story that I have yet to share with you. It’s a very small portion of my full testimony, but it’s a portion that has truly impacted my faith drastically. There are only a few details that need to be shared and I know that by sharing this, y’all might raise your eyebrows and maybe even question my character. However, as usual, I hope that this will be an encouragement to people that I know and don’t know. I believe the truth of God’s word in Revelation 12:11, “And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.” My testimony is powerful, no matter how ugly it is. I know and trust that I have been fully forgiven and reconciled by Jesus and because of Him. With that being said, let’s get started. 

About 4 years ago, I had been asked to leave the church that I had originally met Jesus in. I had made a few mistakes that wrecked my reputation, integrity and my relationships. It was a really difficult situation. I had been asked to leave the church and find a new place to worship Jesus and people who would point me to Him. My initial thought after being embarrassed by own actions and consequences was, “I should have never become a believer in the first placeI. I’m not good enough for people, I am certainly not good enough for God and I do not deserve friendship or forgiveness.” This thought swirled around in my head for about two years after everything had taken place and once I allowed it to consume me, I decided to walk away from my faith. I was starting college again in the fall and I was ready to just focus on school and softball. My heart was ripped in shreds and I was at war in my mind about whether I truly wanted to walk away from Jesus or not. Honestly, I didn’t want to walk away at all, I wanted to curl up in a ball and sob all of the time, but never walk away. I had lost all of my friends, my church, no one in my family knew what was going on because I was too afraid to tell anyone what I had done to deserve this. I also didn’t want to taint their view of the church because our family needs Jesus and I wanted the make sure that they would have a clean perspective of the church, and the people who attend and serve.

!!! Now, please hear me when I say this, because it is VERY important: The church is ran by imperfect people. People who serve in the church, in any capacity, are sinful people who have struggles just like anyone else. No one is holier than anyone, we are all equally sinful and equally paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ. No one in the church is favored. God loves us all unconditionally as we are and not as we should be, because no one is as they should be.(Brennan Manning) I have no malicious feeling toward anyone in my previous church, if anything I wish that I could be fully reconciled with them all so that I could once again build a stronger Christ Centered relationship with them. !!!

Point made, moving on now!

I was completely alone, not truly, but it felt like it. I stopped going to church for a while and then was invited to the church that I am at now. Life Church of The Northwest Valley #ILOVEMYCHURCH. While Jesus and I were on a break, I decided that I wanted to numb a lot of my pain, regret and shame with drinking. Dumb idea, because it didn’t help at all. Did you know that if you get drunk one night to escape your problems, that when you wake up the next morning they would still be there???? I mean, who would have thought????? **eye roll emoji**

Everything was going down hill, honestly. More like, I threw my self down the hill in hopes that I would just speed up the process of living with myself during that time. But alas, when you know Jesus, that never REALLY works, okay? Although I was making a valiant effort at being as sinful as I could be, my Father did not leave me. Actually, one day I had a forced come to Jesus moment by one of my teammates. She looked at me and said, “Marissa, what happened to you?” It was both sad and embarrassing because I then realized that I had been being watched this whole time. She slowly realized that something was wrong and asked me about it. Which is what I needed. I didn’t disclose what was actually going on, but her question shifted me back into gear. Not too long after that I went to a Bible Study on one of my free periods every week and met an incredible woman named Shannon Hoffpauir. Then, one day, I met her daughter, Hillary and we became friends. After that, I started to spend time with them and Shannon invited me to the church she attended, Life Church. #SHAMELESSplug

At first I was hesitant, I thought, “Why the hell would I want to go back to somewhere I don’t belong?”, but I knew it’s where I needed to be because what I was doing was NOT helping and I never once felt any better. I made the decision to go and I loved it. (shockerrr) It was what I needed the whole time. (duh??) Actually, scratch that, HE was what I needed the whole time. (double DUHH) I just needed some quality time with my Father. (lol sometimes the simplicity of God cracks me up, who would have thought that the creator of the universe, is also highkey the biggest big chiller ever?) Man, I was so caught up in MY self, MY problems, MY feelings, MY short comings, that I had allowed the little lie of shame to be bigger than the Savior that I claimed to love and believe in. I was under the impression that I would never be able to serve Him again because I wasn’t good enough. But let me tell you something, being “good” is not the same thing as being God’s. When we finally realize that we are God’s we become good because of Him, not because of us. I was so ashamed of myself that, I allowed shame to cripple my faith and I used it as an excuse to walk away from the most important, consistent relationship and love that I had ever had in my life. Honestly, that was SO FREAKING DUMB. 

Shame is a lie! Shame can be overcome and shame is SO SO SO small compared to the love that God has for you and for me. Don’t allow it to darken the light in you! Read Psalm 139 and see how, “Even the darkness is not dark to The Lord; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with The Lord.”, Ephesians 3:14-19, John 3:16-18. His love is wider, longer, higher and deeper than the shame that you are experiencing. He sent His Son to conquer the darkness in you, so that you could dwell in His presence eternally with Him. Shame is able to be conquered and with Jesus, you have the power to do it!!

When I left the U.S. on October 8th, 2018, I had no idea that God was going to uproot all of the shame that was hidden away in my heart. I didn’t know that He was going to make me address it and be honest about it. I mean what kind of God would make you talk about how you were kicked out of church and proceeded to live in disobedience? A LOVING GOD, THAT’S WHAT KIND OF GOD! Our Father loves us too much to leave us where we are at. We need to walk through pain and suffering in order to build our character. (Romans 5:3-5) 

Throughout the Race you are exposed to many people, places and circumstances. Some of which are not very pleasant and when you’re in front of people, in odd places or meeting people in bad circumstances, then God uses you to share His love for them!!! I’ve had to do this countless times! Talk to someone about how much The Father loves them even though they are a prostitute, absent father, drunk, Atheist, liar, murderer, thief, etc. When you constantly share that message with people you don’t know, it sinks in and makes you think of people you do know. One of them being, yourself. The more and more I encouraged others in this, the more the Holy Spirit convicted me of my unbelief in it. If I couldn’t believe this for myself, then how was I truly believing it for others? So, I began to dig and dive into the hard places with the Lord and He brought me out of it. I didn’t know that He was going to give me the courage to share such an ugly part of my past with you to glorify Him and prove the power of redemption through it. 

I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus and His sacrifice for me on the cross. I decided to go back to church because redemption was whispering to my heart and calling me by my name and not my sin. I am able to serve again in church because of the grace of God. I have built new, whole and loving relationships because I met people who take the ministry of reconciliation seriously. I have been mercifully and gracefully walked out of my shame and into the arms of a beautiful Father. I have overcome that season of my past because I chose to turn back to The One who has not only walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but has conquered it. Because I chose to choose courage before the Race, I was able to face discomfort on the Race and now I can say that I am confidently coming home, shameless. 

I can’t wait to see the faces at home who have been following my journey and have read the four blogs that I’ve posted this year! lololololololol. 

Thanks for reading!!

Love Always,

Mariss