This blog is written in the name of a jumbled mind and heart. Essentially, this is going to be long winded, but you’re not new here. You already know the vibe –
Recently, I have been internalizing a lot. My mind is scattered, my thoughts are in knots and my heart is weary. Emotionally, I am very tired. Spiritually, I am very weary, saddened. My gaze has fallen from the Lord and my mind has been fixed on this dumpster fire of a world we are living in. Of course, all of this is magnified because my nose is in my phone way too much. I scroll and I scroll and I scroll through hundreds of posts. Surfaced level highlight reels of some beings life, polarized political slander, heart wrenching calls to prayer for the nations and so many other things.
Does it ever stop?
Every day it seems as if life gets harder, more complicated. The older I get, the more I’m exposed to. My understanding deepens and frankly, I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse. It seems like a blessing, the more I know about the more time I can dedicate to prayer and service. Then again, it seems to be a curse due to the heaviness of sorrow, strife and struggle. I think that it’s hardening me, or even worse, I’m choosing to be hardened by what’s going on around me.
Surely you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “Here’s another twenty something finally beginning to understand what the real world is like.”
Maybe that’s rude of me to assume.
Speaking of assuming, can I make one more assumption? Can I assume that you, too, hardened without knowing to the world that burns around you? Perhaps a rhetorical question should be thrown in as well. No, three rhetorical inquisitions that I hope you’ll chew on throughout the rest of the week, if you dare. As an ever growing human, do you find yourself becoming a little more rigid? If not rigid, apathetic? If not apathetic, insensitive? Maybe the two go hand in hand.
The more suffering and lamenting I see, no matter what it’s about, I find myself wincing less and less at its lash. Why? Is this something I’m supposed to be used to? After all, Paul does say that we glory, produce, share, participate and become like Christ, when we suffer. As of right now, I’m having a hard time witnessing people’s suffering, caring for it and trying to navigate my own.
Here are a few scriptures I thought of, I am sure that you could think of some as well.
Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
Romans 8:16-18 “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”
Philippians 3:10 “I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,”
This is truth, why am I hardening? Aren’t I supposed to be anticipating trouble? My response is supposed to be, “count it all joy” (James 1:2) Yet, I’m weary and whining about it all. How a n n o y i n g !!!!
I want to be a tenderhearted woman, but instead I feel myself curing like cement; although, my foundation is Christ, it’s taking a freaking beating.
I resonate with these words from Andy Squyers’ song, Dead Horse:
Here is my harvest of heart break
Here is my threshing of tears
I’d give you my dream but I lost it
Down in the locust years
Still praise is the song that I’m singing
Even though sorrow’s my tune
My love is only a whisper now
But nothing is wasted with you
Could it be true that the hardening I am experiencing won’t be in vein? That The Father won’t waste what I allow or choose to happen to me. Lord, how could this be? How are you going to use the daily desensitizing for my benefit and your glory? Andy was right, this really is a harvest of heartbreak. To be continued –
Be Blessed Pals,
Marissa
Samuel from P-squad here 🙂
I believe that what you were going through is a very normal thing for a Christian. In fact I have heard that those whom we have considered ‘heroes’ of the faith over the years are often also the most depressed. Sin is a reality… And it took me several years to understand that, and maybe I still completely don’t… and yes, there IS much to be done… I definitely understand the barrage of infinite prayer requests, being one whom God has called to intercessory prayer. We cannot help everyone, God Himself will show us whom to love and how and when, and Jesus never said “do this, do that, and do this” He simply said to just come and abide in Him. Don’t try to carry all the burdens of the world on your shoulders, because you literally can’t LOL. Only Jesus can. Pray for whom He has lead you to pray for, and trust Him with everything and everyone else. Also, stop scrolling on your phone… it’s just adding to the fire… and not the good kind. Let God Himself reveal to you in His sovereignty what you need to know. I think if the people in the Bible had social media and several news stations back then, they probably wouldn’t be in the Bible… LOL. Maybe God is allowing you to experience all of this to humble and prepare you for a very specific ministry or group of people to focus on, rather than the whole world whom only He can do anything about 🙂
I think it’s time for a sit down…
Samuel, I could NEVER forget you, Brother. I relish your encouragement and am appreciative of your heart! Thank you for encouraging me with wisdom and truth, I know I can always count on you for that! I deleted all social media and won’t be getting it back for a while, if at all. You’re right, only the Father can carry this world. I don’t even dare try to, I’ve just gotten overwhelmed lately. Please continue to pray for me. I miss you.
Amen. I will pray for you. I deleted all my social media as well back in October with the exception of WhatsApp to keep in touch with a few ministry hosts – including Zoli 🙂 Oh I tried emailing you maybe a month or two ago… might have sent it to the wrong one. It was concerning a dream I had. I told Denae about it too because she was in it also.
Wait what? Lol